I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
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Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.