I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
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Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
🤣🤣🤣🤣
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.