Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
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I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.