Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
You Might Also Like
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*