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FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
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[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it