[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
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A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…