Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
You Might Also Like
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Always a metermaid never a meter
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that