when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
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Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
vegan witches, happy halloween!
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.