This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
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[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.