Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
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Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Woke up against my better judgement again
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Adultry does not sound fun at all