[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
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In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught