BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
You Might Also Like
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
When can I start eating bats again.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.