[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
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If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song