My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
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DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Its a hippotatomus
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam