Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
You Might Also Like
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?