hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
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I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
man: wait
time: no
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Watermelon Boss!
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s