the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
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my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash