one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
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the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”