[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
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I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
nice challenge
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.