If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
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My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*