THEM: in 186 days an asteroid is going to collide with Earth
EVERYONE ELSE: *screaming*
ME: *deletes MyFitnessPal app*
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2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
There’s always that one guy
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation