Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
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Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
Nose
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
when dads have a rap battle
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me