Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
You Might Also Like
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
oh my god
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out