nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
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found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Oh no
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
You look like you would fail a DNA test
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…