i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .