The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
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Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.