I think I’ll stand
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When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).