“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
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This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this