Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
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[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Me as a therapist: omg same
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix