No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
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ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
when there are deer in the woods
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I am laughing way too hard at this.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.