DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
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I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.