My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
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*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
same vibe as tangled headphones
secret recipe
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?