the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
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Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Yep.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them