Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
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Bobby pin
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.