Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
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All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit