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him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones
Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?
God: eh you’ll figure it out
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
*limbos away from your hug*
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ