‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
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why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.