Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
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Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes