imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
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honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Scream sneezers need love too.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.