Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
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The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.