The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
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Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
6. me as a lawyer
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard