My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
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No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
I never know how much to tip a cow.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.