There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
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covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
April 1st is the class clown of days.
the greatest twitter interaction
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
The real reason evolution started..😂
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?