Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
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I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.