I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
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being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Probably my best painting.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.