HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
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Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
I am laughing way too hard at this.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.