I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
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Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO