Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
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I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”