When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
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*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
¯_(ツ)_/¯
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I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.