Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
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I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’